A recovering drug addict's struggle with ignorance and Beginner's Mind

I, as most addicts do, have a deeply embedded and exaggerated difficulty with desire/aversion. I am only coming to understand the nature of my own ignorance experientially now. It is frightening for me, because the fear of relapse, that aversion, is usually the primary culprit as the potential cause of my relapse. And I always feel on the verge of it. Yet other past factors play in as egoic reference experiences from the past. When I began to observe the inner workings of mind and experience, I began to see that much of my desire/aversion and egoic attachments are automatic. My current short-tempered anger at the smallest things, moods and striving seem programmed. Mindfulness keeps transitioning into a task and an objective, as does meditation. Being and letting be collapses into a means to an end. To avert the life that was and safeguard a desirable future. I have a lot to lose, when my mind is hijacked by craving (in the broader buddhist context.) For someone who came from a life, where the world was continually and habitually deemed good/bad, I should/shouldn't, they should/shouldn't, want/don't want, like/don't like, I wanted to ask for guidance around Beginner's Mind and cultivating equanimity and understanding. To see things as they are, I as I am **now**, and the same in relationship with others. I recognise I am living my life, seeing things as they were, pitted against the purity of what is, on replay in my thoughts, beliefs. Ego overlayed onto a now I feel blinded and jaded to. It has present moments simply feel burdensome to me. Anything that could assist a practice of beginner's mind meditation/mindfulness, cultivating non-judgmental awareness and understanding to 'unknot' a confused mind would mean the world to me. Anything to note/notice on this journey in bringing purity and clarity to my present reality would help me. Thanks so much.